“Regrets collect like old friends,
Here to relive your darkest moments,
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play…”
Florence and the Machine said it best. When your heart has been broken and someone you loved hurt you in ways that you don’t think you’ll recover from, resentment and bitterness can weigh you down. However, the truth is, there are really good reasons for letting go of your grudges after divorce and moving on.
Your mental and physical health are at risk after divorce
Unforgiveness is actually considered to be a disease. According to Dr. Steven Standiford, chief of surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America, unforgiveness makes people sick, and then keeps them in poor health. This may sound unbelievable to you, but it’s a very real issue. And for people in emotional recovery after an unhappy marriage and a bitter divorce, the risk is real!
“Harboring these negative emotions,… anger and hatred, creates a state of chronic anxiety,” says Dr. Michael Barry, a pastor and author of the book, The Forgiveness Project. When you think about what anxiety does to the body and the mind, it’s a rather self-explanatory situation.
Dr Barry goes on to explain that “Chronic anxiety very predictably produces excess adrenaline and cortisol, which deplete the production of natural killer cells, which is your body’s foot soldier in the fight against cancer.”
Unforgiveness is toxic! Don’t let your feelings poison you!
Think of it this way. Blame, or unforgiveness, is like a piece of radioactive stone, stamped with a list of everything your ex ever did wrong. And after your divorce, you may feel you’re justified in carrying it around with you. After all, it points to your former spouse as the reason for all of your troubles. But the reality is – it’s not hurting your ex, it’s hurting you! The longer you hold onto it, the longer you clutch it to you and keep it close, the more you will be poisoned by it.
Radioactive gamma rays, like blame, have a much greater effect on the person who is closest to the source. If you are carrying around a whole bucket of unforgiveness with you, you are the one most likely to get sick, in the metaphorical sense. Although science has revealed that it may not be so metaphorical, after all.
Choosing to let go after divorce is good FOR YOU, not for them!
It may sound like the “forgive your ex because it’s good for your health” school of thought has more to do with eating your vegetables than addressing your emotions, but it actually doesn’t. More and more scientists, doctors, psychologists and health care professionals around the world are realizing the importance of forgiveness, and the disastrous effects of unforgiveness on our collective health, both here in Oakland County and in the world as a whole.
For those whose spouses were abusive, unfaithful, or irretrievably flawed in ways that made them terrible life partners, it’s hard to consider denying them the comfort of blame. However the truth is, you don’t really have a choice. Letting go of blame is one of the greatest steps you will make after divorce. And if it ever feels overwhelming and hard (because it will) remind yourself that you’re doing this for YOU, not for your ex. You deserve to be healthy and happy, and this is how you go about ensuring that!
Making sure you get a fair shake can ease the stress of divorce
Resentment and blame are even more likely when your divorce was poorly handled and the outcome didn’t prepare you properly for your future. That’s why it’s so important to have a skilled and experienced Oakland County divorce attorney on your side throughout the process. So when you or a loved one are considering divorce, if you live in Metro Detroit, call our Farmington Hills office at (248) 479-6200 and talk to a divorce attorneys with decades of experience. We can ensure that your rights are protected, and your interests are represented during the difficult divorce process. So that when it’s all over, moving on and letting go becomes so much easier when the outcome is good. We’ve been handling divorce cases since the last century.